What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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