I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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