Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
