We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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