onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize