Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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