I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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