so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
