There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
