I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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