he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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