I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
