did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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