I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
