he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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