I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
