Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize