Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
