Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
