Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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