Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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