Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
foreskin is a definite game changer
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
