I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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