woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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