yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
