it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I could fuck to npr.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
