at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
