Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
