worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
