i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
