A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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