i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize