That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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