Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize