Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
