Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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