you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
