I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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