I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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