I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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