Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
