you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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