i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
