Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize