Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish there were birth control emojis
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
