my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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