my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
