Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
