I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
