Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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