i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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