she woke up with a sticky ear
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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