her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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