my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
