I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
