people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
