he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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